Don't Hold Anything Back
by thequeenqueen
Summary: "You look at him with a weak smile on your lips before you dare to speak again. You really wish you could agree and just leave it, act as if nothing had happened. But the growing tension in your lower stomach doesn't allow you to give up. Especially since you know that he wants it even more than you do." Golden Queen. Regina's POV. Special thanks to yoanagf from tumblr.


"Are you sure you don't remember anything?"

"I'm sorry, Mayor Mills, but I don't know what you're talking about. Now, if you'll excuse me."

He turns his back on you and leaves. It's clear that Mr. Gold has no idea what you're talking about. And it's no one's fault but yours. You cast the curse, you made him forget because you never thought that you might miss what you two had. Whatever it was, you want it back. Or maybe you just want him to remember and see the look in his eyes again – the _yearning_, the _desire_.

_You_ do remember. And that is the worst curse imaginable. You'll never forget when Rumple first took you to his castle. He had started to teach you long before he finally took you to his home. When he finally did, you realized why he waited so long. Rumplestiltskin's castle was dark, cold and covered in dust. It always amazed you because he was never any of those things, not with you. When you first summoned him, he came to you looking like the beast he was, like someone or something you had never seen before. Somehow, you didn't even flinch at the sight of him.

"_I knew you long ago, dearie. It has been some time but I knew this day would come. I've been waiting for it. And I'm so happy we are back where we belong."_

"_And where's that?"_

"_Together."_

Everybody was afraid of him and you couldn't really understand why. No one had ever been as caring with you as he was when he guided his hands to touch your face. From the looks of it, you had imagined his skin to feel rough but it didn't. His touch was warm, soft and… _gentle_. From the stories you had heard, you imagined him to be a monster. Instead, he gave you the happiest moments of your life. When you wanted to die, he saved you. Rumple made you feel alive.

When the Dark One started to train you in magic, you had already been married to Leopold for weeks. Rumple never touched you back then, not even to stop you from doing something wrong. He used magic instead and it wasn't until the first time he kissed you that you understood why – he couldn't touch you without losing control, without wanting to make you his own. So he kept away because he did what no one else ever did, he _respected_ you.

Of course you were unhappy in your marriage. You didn't love your husband, he didn't love you. It was just a contract that made both of you play the part because that was just the way things were back then. It was the way society worked and there was nothing you could do about it. To be honest, you were lucky. Your husband never hurt you, at least not intentionally. He was a decent human being but it was never enough. You felt nothing.

After some time, you accepted the fact that you would never experience what love really feels like. You would never know how it feels like to want someone so badly, it makes your stomach turn. How it feels like to belong to someone else, not just with your body but also with your soul. You were absolutely sure that you would never learn how it feels to give yourself to someone because you _want_ to, not because you _have_ to.

That night at Rumple's castle proved you wrong. You had been practicing mixing up some of the most difficult potions when he stepped behind you to see how you were doing. You were so caught up in making the potion perfect that you didn't even notice his presence and accidentally took a step back. His chest brushed against your back, you let out a small scream and turned around, almost falling into his arms. Now, in Storybrooke, you close your eyes and travel back in time to experience it all over again.

* * *

"I'm… I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. You frightened me. I didn't expect you to be there."

Rumple catches you and squeezes your shoulders reassuringly, looking you deep in the eyes.

"No harm done. Just get back to what you were doing and don't let yourself be distracted by me."

You turn around, hands still shaking a bit, and reach for a small bottle with bright yellow liquid in it. He steps behind you again and this time you feel him there, breathing into your neck. You can feel the shaking of your hands grow stronger when his lips move closer and closer, almost touching your neck now. It feels as if you hadn't been breathing for the last thirty seconds. Finally, you let out a deep breath and force yourself to speak.

"Yes." Your voice comes out so quiet and shaky that you're not sure if he hears you.

"What?" He pulls his head away, taken aback by your reaction.

"I'm saying_ yes_."

"To what?"

"You think I haven't noticed how your body tenses up every time you see me? Do you really think I haven't noticed that you keep away from me on purpose? I may be young but I'm certainly not stupid."

This time, you say it loud and clear but the uncertainty of your own intentions – or maybe his – makes you too afraid to turn around and face him. So you stay still until you feel Rumple's left arm travel to your lower stomach and pull you closer to him.

"You certainly are not."

You lean back when he presses his lips to your neck and slides his right arm on yours. He takes the yellow bottle from your shaky hand and puts it back on the table. He starts to suck the soft skin of your neck and you let out a quiet sigh. So this is how feels like, to want something, or some_one_. You try to reach for his belt but he grabs your hand and whispers a husky "no" in your ear. When you turn around in disbelief, he still doesn't let go of your wrist.

"Please, don't stop." Little did you know back then how much Rumple had yearned for those words. How these three words almost made him lose control.

"Look, listen to me, Regina. I don't know why you're doing this but you're a married woman. And I know perfectly well that it's nothing but a contract but if someone finds out about this…" He pauses for a second. "I can't afford to lose my best apprentice. You and I have work to do. Do you understand that?"

You look at him with a weak smile on your lips before you dare to speak again. You really wish you could agree and just leave it, act as if nothing had happened. But the growing tension in your lower stomach doesn't allow you to give up. Especially since you know that he wants it even more than you do.

"No one will find out. Just… don't stop."

He grabs your shoulders and shakes you, almost violently.

"Stubborn. Just like your mother. I'm going to give you one chance to leave. Just one. When I let go of you, you'll pull yourself together and run down these stairs as fast as you can. Because if you don't, I promise you _will_ have to suffer the consequences." He paused to force himself to calm. "If you don't… I will make you mine and this isn't going to be pretty."

He lets you go and you take his hands to place them on your chest so that he could feel the burning sensation of your skin through the fabric that is, somehow, still covering your body. Rumple looks at you, surprised, as his eyes grow darker. And darker. You can't wait for him to press his lips to yours and when he finally does, it burns. He devours you like predators devour their prey and you let yourself follow his rhythm.

"Your skin is burning, young lady," he manages to let out between kisses.

"That's because you made me ache for your touch. And now, we are both going to burn in hell for this."

"There is no hell, my dear, _I _am the only kind of hell you will ever experience."

Your hands find his belt again and this time he doesn't stop you. On the contrary, he presses himself against your palm and a groan escapes his mouth. You feel his whole body tense again when he pushes you on the ground with the whole weight of his body and it surprises you that he is a lot heavier than it seems. He quickly lifts up your skirt and parts your thighs with his knee, ripping off all that is left of your dress. You smile and close your eyes when his hand finds its way between your legs and starts to prepare you for what's coming next.

"I can't promise that it won't hurt."

"It won't. It's not like I haven't done this before."

"Oh, but you most certainly have not done _this_ before."

And he's right. Your husband never uses his fingers before entering you, he never covers your _whole _body with kisses, he _never _teases you like this.

Rumple gets rid of his clothes in one quick movement and you notice his anticipation grow. Yet, he doesn't rush into anything. _This man must have an incredible self-control_, you think. It is almost as if he wants to please you more than to reach his own satisfaction.

But you are tired of waiting so you push his hand away gently and wrap your hands around his neck to pull him closer.

"Show me how it really feels like."

Your words make him shiver as he slowly enters you, never breaking the eye contact to see what it looks like to fill you, to _possess_ you. The floor beneath your back is ice-cold and rock-hard but the heat emerging from his body causes little pearls of sweat to gather on your forehead. He leaves you breathless with every movement, with every painfully slow thrust, and you do your best not to make noise. Your husband never makes you feel like this, so you have no idea if you should let the moan escape or not. What if it's not acceptable for a woman? You remember your cousin tell you once that decent women never make noise.

Rumple moans into your mouth as he starts to quicken his pace but you're still too afraid to lose control. He notices the color rise up to your cheeks so he slows down again and moves his hand between your thighs to help you hand over the control.

"Relax. Don't hold anything back. Make noise, moan, scream, cry out my name, scratch my back, bite my shoulder… I can take it all. Do whatever pleases you. Whatever _you _feel like doing. Let go, Regina. I'll be here to guide you."

You almost lose it only because of the way he breathes those words in your ear. Rumple looks you in the eyes again, feeling your body relax as you take a few deep breaths. He starts to speed up the rhythm again, smiling at the sight of your vision becoming blurry and your mouth falling open.

"That's it. Let go."

You're both panting heavily now as he concentrates on driving you over the edge. He makes a few deep slow thrusts again and these are the ones that finally make your mind go blank. You open your mouth and let out a quiet moan. And then a bit louder one. You bite his shoulder to hold back the screams that are already gathering somewhere in your throat, so eager to find their way out. Being noisy still makes you embarrassed but the rhythm he's teasing you with makes every single inch of your body ache with pleasure.

He makes his best effort trying to find the right angle, that sensitive spot for you, but it's not easy since you have no idea how to help him. And when he finds it you let a whimper escape your lips.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No… could you just…" Another whimper, this time louder again.

"Oh. Move faster?" The only thing you are capable of doing is nodding. "Indeed I could."

His buries himself into you, faster and faster, as he sees your body respond to his every movement. Your moans grow louder, causing him to get closer, too. An unfamiliar feeling starts to spread from your lower stomach when he grabs your face with one hand, knowing that you are about to experience something wonderful for the first time in your life. Something you will never forget.

"Look at me," and his shaking voice sounds more like a plea than the order it is supposed to be. He knows you are close, so close. It's unbelievably difficult to keep your eyes open as he thrusts into you one more time, breathing in your mouth: _Let go, Regina_.

And you do, with his name on your lips just a few seconds before he collapses onto you.

* * *

Ten minutes later, both of you are still lying on the cold hard ground. The castle is so quiet it feels like the insides of a coffin.

"Do you regret it already?"

"No! No… It's just that the sounds I let out made me feel like an indecent woman. A lady shouldn't – "

"Stop it right there, _lady_. Let me tell you a little something about indecent women – the noises they make are all fake. You, on the other hand, are as real as it gets. You moaned because I pleased you. You moaned because you enjoyed what I was doing to you." Rumple moves closer and presses a wet kiss to your breast. "You moaned and whimpered because you finally let yourself go, because of everything I whispered in your ear. And then you released yourself. For _me_. Because _I _told you to."

"What was it? This feeling?"

"That, my dear, was what freedom feels like." It's what you have always wanted. To be free.

His fingers find their way between your legs again and he touches you, more gently than ever.

"You're still sensitive. Does it feel sore?"

"A little. But in a good way." You feel completely relaxed and recovered but he decides to remove his hand and give you a few more minutes. This makes you speak up. "You lied to me, didn't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said it wasn't going to be pretty as if you were planning to hurt me and abuse me and leave marks all over my body and I – "

"Oh, I _did _leave marks, trust me."

"It's not what I meant. Despite pushing me against the cold hard floor, you were still so gentle, so painfully slow that it felt like…"

"Making love?"

"Yes."

"There's one thing you have to understand, dearie. I did this because you excite me. I did this because I wanted to_ teach _you. But I believe you know that – "

"That it was nothing but physical. Yes, I know that. But you still haven't answered my question."

Rumple climbs back on top of you and your breathing grows heavy again at the sight of his excitement.

"Why does it matter so much? Unless you _want _me to hurt you. Is that it?"

"No, I just…"

"Then forget it."

You stare at his naked body and you feel like you owe him something in return. Despite all the nights in your husband's bed, you still know nothing about pleasing men. The only thing you know is what the maids back home had told you – that almost every man loves it. You're scared but something makes you utter these words anyway.

"Um, do you want me to?" His expression makes it clear that he doesn't believe his ears. "I'm not sure I know how to but if you want me to kneel and –"

Even though the thought of your soft lips around him is driving him crazy, he makes you stop talking instead by pressing another burning kiss to your lips. "You're not ready for this."

"I don't understand. You always tell me to –"

"What I always tell you is that the best way to learn something is to step out of your comfort zone. That's true. It applies to magic, doesn't mean it applies to absolutely everything. You'll get there one day but right now, you are terrified just by the thought of it. I won't make you do anything you don't want to. Making you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed is, surprisingly enough, not part of my teaching techniques."

You have seen him hurt, torture, even kill people to get what he wants and yet he feels so human when he is with you. For some reason, your mentor doesn't want to hurt you in any way and you are the only person to experience this side of him. He forces himself between your thighs again, making you open up for him but when you pull him closer, he stops and grins. After a second of hesitation, Rumple decides to turn the tables. He lifts you up and makes you slide on top of him.

"W-what are you doing?" You feel more nervous than ever.

"Offering you the control."

"But I don't…"

"I know, I'll help you." He puts his hands on your hips and starts to rock them back and forth. "It's a bit like riding a horse. I believe you know how to do that?"

His straightforwardness makes you blush but he knows that this is the best way to put it. The best way to explain is through something else you already know how to do.

"Lose the shame - makes it more enjoyable." Soon enough, you pick up the pace and take over the control of your own movements. His grip loosens as his head tilts back. You lean over him, desperately gripping his shoulders, when he starts to rock his own hips to meet you halfway and when your bodies smack together, it's almost too much to take in.

He slows down again. "Allow your body to adjust to the feeling. If this is what you really want, it will." He is offering you all the time you need, barely even moving inside you. "Better?"

"Yes."

The control is yours now. You both know it perfectly well. Yet Rumple isn't ready to give it up completely. He starts to suck on your lower lip, nipping it with his teeth from time to time until you feel it swell up. Apparently a bit of bittersweet pain isn't so bad after all. Actually, you quite enjoy it. You catch yourself looking at him and the way he is swallowing you with his eyes is enough for you to fly over the edge. That's it - you need him to look at you to get your release.

A moment later you realize that this time he is struggling on the way to his own satisfaction. You feel all limp and powerless around him, a wave of electricity going through your body every time he touches you.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No, don't. Tell me what I can do."

"Just talk to me, you are so quiet all the time and, to be honest, it's not helping." You take his face in your hands, making him look at you as he keeps throbbing inside you. Honestly, you have no idea what turns him on so you just follow the words he had told you before. As a surprise to the both of you, your voice comes out lower and more hoarse than you would have expected, uttering the words you never would have believed yourself to say.

"Flip us around and I will tell you everything you want to hear." With one swift movement, he's on top of you again and you begin to speak. "Don't hold anything back. Now _you_ are back in control. I'm here for you. It's not working for you, is it? You need more. You _crave_ more. Let your instincts take over. That's it, like that." The expression on his face tells you everything you need to know – it _is _working. "Come on, be selfish. Don't ask for my permission, I already gave it to you. I already gave you everything. Go faster, stronger… deeper." You wrap your legs around him to pull him in and even though he thinks he's in control, Rumple is responding to your every word as if it were an order. From _you_. Power. You love how it feels like. _Oh god._ You're still sore and tired but your own words have the same effect on you as they do on him. "Show it to me. The darkness. Do it. _Let go_." And when he does, he digs his nails into your soft skin, letting out something that sounds like a growl. _A monster after all_, you smile to yourself when you feel him pull out of you.

When his breathing starts to slow down again, he looks at you grinning. You feel your cheeks burn. What the hell were you thinking? Where did those words come from?

"I must say I didn't believe you had it in you. I suppose it wasn't your husband who taught you to talk like that."

"I just… improvised." Damn you, you never know how to hold back blushing.

"What are you so ashamed of? Embrace it, you're sensual, healthy and strong. You're a woman. And a quick learner, I must add." Somehow he always knows what to say.

"Rumplestilstkin?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

He smiles at you."My pleasure. Come on, go wash yourself and get dressed. We have work to do."

"Are we going to do this again?"

"I'm sure these will be the longest, most intense lessons we're ever going to have. Go on now."

You smile and turn your back to him. This is the first time in your life you feel truly wanted.

* * *

Two nights later you're sitting in your office, going through paperwork, when he walks in.

"Mr. Gold, what brings you here so late? I believe that whatever it is, it can wait. I was just going to leave and – "

He cuts you off. "I'm pretty sure this can't wait, _Regina_."

Regina? He never calls you by your name in Storybrooke. Does it mean that… Of course. The blonde woman who arrived a few hours earlier on the same day. The savior.

"Rumplestiltskin?" Your heart skips a beat when you see the look in his eyes again. The _yearning_, the _desire_.

"That's right, love." He walks over to you, lifts you out of the chair and places you on the table. You let out a whimper, when he rips your blouse open to leave burning kisses on your skin.

"Oh god, it feels exactly like I remember it."

He chuckles. "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

"Twenty-eight years to be exact."

He lifts up your skirt while you try and open his belt, breaking the kiss only to breathe before leaning in for the next one.

"Regina, do you remember when I told you to relax for the first time; when I asked you to cry out my name?"

"I do."

"Do you remember what you told me when you let me take over the control?"

"Yeah. _Don't hold anything back_."

With one quick movement, he's between your legs, pushing them apart, filling your whole body with the sensation of him.

"This time you can be sure I won't."

You know that it's not love but he feels like _home_. At the end of the day the only thing you two have is each other. And that's enough for now.


End file.
